Last weekend I went to a wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and I love the bride. Although it’s kind of weird that she know has a different surname than when I first met her. I meet with another friend on Sunday evening and tell her about the games, the dance, how all the girls tried to catch the bridal bouquet. She laughs. »Oh I can imagine how it all went: all girls fight for the flowers while you’re standing in the last row, a cigarette in the one hand and a glass of wine in the other.« I laugh loudly because I know it was meant as a jike. But still, her remark hurts a bit. Why? Because that’s how my friends see me? Or because it’s the truth? Am I that ironic?
If I had a dating pattern it would be: butterflies and fireworks. Looks nice, dies down fast and leaves me in the darkness. I don’t believe in endless love just yet. No matter how hard I try, I am not sure that there’s really someone out there willing to share all my traits and neuroses, no matter how funny it is that I am incredibly clumsy and that I laugh too loud in public. So when I realize after a frew dates that someone’s just not for me, I let him go.
Which is completely different from what one of my girlfriends is doing. She’s seeing this guy for almost a year now. I’ve never met him. Once I asked her why she never introduces me to the man she loves, she said: »I don’t love him. I try to love him for months now, but I just don’t feel anything.« When I ask her why she’s staying with him then, she says: »He’s nice… and it’s better than being alone!«
I just don’t understand this concept of dating just to have a date. I just don’t understand why I should be with someone just to be with anyone. Why should I open up to anyone? I don’t want to share my thoughts to anyone but to a person I trust in. A person whose fears and dreams feel like my own. Do I want to share my dreams to anyone? Do I want to fall asleep beside anyone? No, not me!
But why is it that we can’t be single? Maybe because women are still told that being single makes you unhappy while being in a relationship makes you happy? Maybe because there should be one goal in a woman’s life: to get that ring on your finger. Even Sex and the City implies that the search for the perfect guy dictates our lives. Without him we’re incomplete. And when we break up, we should not beat off other guys for too long – otherwise we will end as old spinsters.
When I say: I am single!, nobody’s jealous that I can do what I want. That I don’t have to tidy up my apartment and that I don’t have to share my pizza. They look at me sympathethic and say things like: The perfect guy is still waiting somewhere out there. I do hope so. I wish for it. But if he’s not, I still want to life my life happily. Without feeling incomplete.